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Sun, Aug. 13th, 2006, 06:13 pm
The Take-Away

Allegory of a Chinese Box



You eat.

Dinner.


The rice falls into your lap, like pieces of my soul.
I see my own soul in that rice.

It is white and fluffy,
like the clouds across a wide, blue sky of wealth and materialism.

Oh, the beauty in your chinese take-away.
The pleasure of simple things and men named Chang.

The rice speaks no English, just as my soul cannot comprehend the complexities of your lap.
Will you ever know the white, fluffy pain I feel?

You are so oblivious.

So concerned with dinner.

Like the recently immigrated delivery man.

Did you even see him?
DID YOU EVEN SEE HIM?!

No.

You didn't.

I hate you.

I love you.

But I know the peices of my soul that fall in your luscious lap and in the couch cushions,
will only end up in the trash.

Whore!

Liar!


You betray the rice as you betray my soul
The red of the box is like the fury that burns within me.

Will you ever see the rice?

Wed, Sep. 14th, 2005, 12:39 am
WARNING: CHILDREN MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH!

It's time for Alarming Medical News Items, the popular feature that can strike at any time without warning symptoms. For your protection, this column undergoes a rigorous fact-checking procedure under which, before I will print an item, it must first be read over by a person who says they know stuff, and a pack of wild baboons. Don't bother to thank me: I’m not listening.

Speaking of which, my first alarming item concerns the recently discovered:

Ear Problem From Hell

I learned about this thanks to alert reader Jacques Huître-Coquille, who sent in an American Medical Association newsletter containing an article about a North Carolina man who went to his doctor complaining of a “full sensation” in one ear, accompanied by a hearing loss. The doctor checked it out, and found that the man's ear canal was blocked by – I am not making this up -- a plug of hardened Super Glue.

Now, some of you are wondering, “How does a grown person get Super Glue in his EAR and not know it?” My first thought was “He is from North Carolina is he not? That should explain it all!” But you parents are no doubt nodding and saying: “It would not surprise me to learn that this man has a 3-year-old son.”

And, of course, you're right. According to the AMA newsletter, the son “squirted the glue into his father's left ear while the man was sleeping.”

Surgeons unclogged his ear, but as medical consumers we can prevent this kind of near-tragedy by remembering to:

1. Never keep 3-year-olds around the house.

2. If you do, never sleep.

Also: You older children should remember that Super Glue is a serious household repair substance and NOT a toy to be used in such pranks as applying it to the toilet seats in the Faculty Men's Room, taking care to first prepare the surface by wiping it clean of oil and dirt.

My next item was brought to my attention by Dieter Dummer Affe, who alerted me to an article in the British medical journal The Lancet with the following title:

Exploding head syndrome.

Quite frankly, this syndrome disappointed me. I had naturally assumed, from the title, that it would involve the actual explosion of a person's head, ideally Justin Timberlake‘s during a concert. But it turns out to be just this weenie syndrome where you wake up in the middle of the night having “a violent sensation of explosion in the head.” Big freakin deal. I get that all the time, but you don't see me whining to The Lancet. You see me making a mental note to drink tequila from smaller containers next.

But not right now. Right now I want to tell you about the exciting new:

Advances in BO Measurement

I found out about this through alert reader Jose Persona No Verdadero, who sent me an article from the Journal of the American Society for Heating, Refrigeration and Air-conditioning Engineers written by a man named – I’m not making this up -- “P. Ole Fanger.” Mr. Fanger, from Denmark, has done a LOT of research in the field of measuring exactly how much a given human tends to stink up a given room, and he has come up with a unit of air pollution called the “olf” (“from the Latin olfactus, or olfactory sense”). To quote the article: “One olf is the emission rate of air pollutants (bioeffluents) from a standard person (Figure 1).”

I sincerely wish that I could show you Figure 1, which is a truly wonderful drawing of a standard person with dozens of little Smell Arrows shooting out of his body. Looking at this drawing reminded me of one of the highlights of my life, which is the time that I was with two friends, Steve and Pierre, in a bar that was empty except for two women at the far end, and Pierre, after maybe 17 Miller High Lifes, decided to make a move, which was pretty funny because Pierre, even on those occasions when he has total control over his hairpiece, is not exactly Orlando Bloom, or even Mr. Ed.

But he went lunging over there, and, with all the subtlety of Hurricane Ivan, attempted to strike up a conversation, which the two women were clearly not interested in. So they were quiet, and after a while Pierre got quiet, and we were listening quietly, so the whole bar was very quiet when Pierre had an unfortunate bodily event. It's the kind of event that can happen to anybody, except maybe Queen Elizabeth, but it rarely happens with the magnitude that it happened to Pierre. Talk about Hurricane Ivan! Of course, in those days we did not have modern measurement techniques, but I can almost guarantee you that this event was completely off the scale on the Olf Meter. I’m only sorry that I didn't get to see the two women sprint from the bar, because I was too busy rolling around on the floor laughing so hard that I thought I was going to suffer a heart attack, which , by the way, every American should know the Six Warning Signs of.

Today's medical tip: Never undergo any kind of major surgery without first making an appointment.

Wed, Sep. 14th, 2005, 12:07 am
Update...

Hey guys. Sorry I haven't really been on here much. I've been super busy, whenever I get a chance to get to a computer, I'm pulled away as soon as I've logged in!

There's been a lot of stuff I've wanted to write in here lately. I've met new people, been to new places and lived a whole lot since my last journal entry. I'm planning a whole session on the computer sometime soon, I need to update my myspace page. It's just a mess.

This whole petrol crisis is getting on my nerves. They need to get their act together, soon. It doesn't help with 3 housemates begging me to take them shopping. Which wouldn't be too bad, but they want to go halfway across the country to a shopping village. Although I'm sure there's a few jewellers there. I've been saving up and I'm going to ask Sarah to marry me. I'm driving myself crazy, thinking all the worst. What if I get a ring she doesn't like? What if she says no? What if? What if? I'm going nuts!

Thu, Jul. 21st, 2005, 04:53 pm
You, too, can have a crapaccino

I have exciting news for anybody who would like to pay a lot of money for coffee that has passed all the way through an animal's digestive tract.

And you just know there are plenty of people who would. Specialty coffees are very popular these days, attracting millions of consumers, every single one of whom is standing in line ahead of me whenever I go to the coffee place at the airport to grab a quick cup on my way to catch a plane. These consumers are always ordering mutant beverages with names like ''mocha-almond-honey-vinaigrette lattespressacino,'' beverages that must be made one at a time via a lengthy and complex process involving approximately one coffee bean, three quarts of dairy products and what appears to be a small nuclear reactor.

Meanwhile, back in the line, there is growing impatience among those of us who just want a plain old cup of coffee so that our brains will start working and we can remember what our full names are and why we are catching an airplane. We want to strike the lattespressacino people with our carry-on baggage and scream ''GET OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU TREND GEEKS, AND LET US HAVE OUR COFFEE!'' But of course we couldn't do anything that active until we've had our coffee.

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles.

The reason some of us need coffee is that it contains caffeine, which makes us alert. Of course it is very important for us to remember that caffeine is a drug, and, like any drug, it is a lot of fun.

No! Wait! What I meant to say is: Like any drug, caffeine can have serious side effects if we ingest too much. This fact was first noticed in ancient Egypt when a group of workers, who were supposed to be making a birdbath, began drinking Egyptian coffee, which is very strong, and wound up constructing the pyramids.

I myself developed the coffee habit in my early teens, when, as a typical young teenage boy, I stayed up late to watch HBO and Showtime “late-night specials.”

Cough, cough

Back then I didn’t know how to make coffee, so I got my coffee from a vending machine at the mini-mart down the street. The interesting thing about that vending machine was that it also sold hot chocolate and chicken-noodle soup; all three liquids squirted out of a single tube, and they tasted pretty much the same. But I came to need that coffee, and even today I can do nothing useful before I've had several cups. (I can't do anything useful afterward, either; but that’s neither here nor there.)

But here's my point: This specialty-coffee craze has gone too far. I say this in light of an invite I got recently from my friend Steve. He sent me an invitation he received from a local company to a ''private tasting of the highly prized Luwak coffee,'' which ''at $300 a pound . . . is one of the most expensive drinks in the world.'' The invitation states that this coffee is named for the luwak, a ''member of the weasel family'' that lives on the Island of Java and eats coffee berries; as the berries pass through the luwak, a ''natural fermentation'' takes place, and the berry seeds -- the coffee beans -- come out of the luwak intact. The beans are then gathered, washed, roasted and sold to coffee connoisseurs.

The invitation states: ‘‘we wish to pass along this once in a lifetime opportunity to taste such a rarity.''

Or, as Steve put it: ‘‘they're selling processed weasel crap for $300 a pound.''

I first thought this was a clever hoax designed to ridicule the coffee craze. Tragically, it is not. There really is a Luwak coffee. I know because I bought some from a specialty-coffee company in Seattle. I paid $37.50 for two ounces of beans. I was expecting the beans to look exotic, considering where they'd been, but they looked like regular coffee beans. In fact, for a moment I was afraid that they were just regular beans, and that I was being ripped off.

Then I thought: What kind of world is this when you worry that people might be ripping you off by selling you coffee that was NOT crapped out by a weasel?

So anyways, I ground the beans up and brewed the coffee and drank some. You know how sometimes, when you're really skeptical about something, but then you finally try it, you discover that it's really good, way better than you would have thought possible? This is not the case with Luwak coffee. Luwak coffee, in my opinion, tastes like somebody washed a dead cat in it.

But I predict it's going to be popular anyway, because it's expensive. One of these days, the people in front of me at the airport coffee place are going to be ordering decaf crapaccino. I'm thinking of switching to heroin.

Sun, Jul. 10th, 2005, 10:02 pm
Ok, I promised not to post these tests... I HAD to...




*looks at the current world's population* You must have a lot of frustration then.


What pisses you off?

Created by ptocheia

Sat, Jul. 9th, 2005, 11:54 pm
To Show My Hatred Of Chain Letters....

Hello, my name is Jeff and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Wagga Wagga with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

"What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

Fuck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.

Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day!

P.S. Send me 15 bucks

Sat, Jul. 2nd, 2005, 07:00 pm
Smile



The most destructive habit..................................................Worry


The greatest Joy............................................................Giving


The greatest loss...........................................................Loss of self-respect


The most satisfying work....................................................Helping others


The ugliest personality trait...............................................Selfishness


The most endangered species.................................................Dedicated leaders


Our greatest natural resource...............................................Our Youth


The greatest "shot in the arm"..............................................Encouragement


The greatest problem to overcome............................................Fear


The most effective sleeping pill............................................Peace of mind


The most crippling failure disease..........................................Excuses


The most powerful force in life.............................................Love


The most dangerous pariah...................................................A gossiper


The world's most incredible computer........................................The brain


The worst thing to be without.... ..........................................Hope


The deadliest weapon........................................................The tongue


The two most power-filled words............................................."I Can"


The greatest asset..........................................................Faith


The most worthless emotion..................................................Self-pity


The most beautiful attire...................................................SMILE!


The most prized possession..................................................Integrity


The most powerful channel of communication..................................Prayer


The most contagious spirit..................................................Enthusiasm

Sat, Jul. 2nd, 2005, 01:12 pm
The Leprecham

Thats right its a leprechaun spotting webcam! Go ahead and spend a couple of hours watching it and you might become a believer. If you don't well at least you can read testimonials of people who have.

Click here to see Leprechauns

Sat, Jul. 2nd, 2005, 01:07 pm
Jesus Candles?

You guys need to go here

It's the funniest crap ever!

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